Kids say the darndest things. This sentiment doesn’t change, no matter the legal status of the classic TV show’s host. Thankfully it rings true in our house. I remember long nights with an infant crying in my arms. “If only he could talk,” I thought to myself. “Then he could communicate what’s bothering him without having to resort to hysterics.” Well, now he can talk, yet he still resorts to hysterics every once in awhile. They just take a different shape. The good news is that some of the stuff he says can make me laugh harder than I’ve ever laughed before – and sometimes (especially when he’s acting like a toddler) I can really, really use that. In honor of my son’s third birthday today, I wanted to highlight a few of the things that have come out of his mouth since he learned to talk. “I just want to look at daddy.” These words were uttered immediately after he figured out he could simply get out of bed. He was no longer confined, when we took one side of the crib off. So out he came, despite our repeated pleas to stay put. When we asked him why he continued to get up, this is the response we received. Not even mommy says this. “Daddy is your hair gray?” In his defense, he meant my beard. And in his defense, he’s not wrong. It doesn’t mean that daddy wanted to hear it. And to cap off this thought, he followed up with the fact that now my hair, and grandpa’s hair is gray. Thanks a lot kid. “When I’m a big boy, mommy can go in my tummy.” I don’t now how to begin with this….just no. “I just want to sing to the blinds.” This kid is looking for an audience. Any audience. The target of his affection doesn’t even need to be human. It’s cool. “Jingle Bells is a pirate song.” We have a cedar chest in our front room. It doubles as a pirate ship. That pirate ship is where pirate Sr. (me) and pirate Jr. (Jamie) ride the seas while singing that old time swashbuckling favorite, Jingle Bells. Sometimes it’s best just not to ask where the inspiration came from. “I can’t wait for my birthday, so I can be born.” He gets that his birthday is a day all about him. But he doesn’t quite understand the significance or meaning. No matter. Happy birthday anyway, Jamie. Keep saying those random, hilarious and adorable things. We can all use the laugh. And we love...

Yesterday morning I had a vivid conversation with my 2-year-old about the pirate ship in our front room. Then it was a boat. Then a rocket. Whatever purpose it serves in his mind, to us it is an old, sturdy cedar chest that sits below our front window. Despite the frequent changes of name and purpose, I knew exactly what he referred to. We’ve sat on that ship, pirates together in the middle of the sea, and given stirring renditions of that old pirate favorite, Jingle Bells. Because for some reason, that’s the tune that pirates sing when they are out to sea together. They also pump their fists in the air for added affect when we get to the “Hey!” in the middle of the song. For a minute, I’m not a dad, or a husband or a writer. I’m just the senior pirate taking the junior pirate out for an ocean cruise. I’m a giant kid playing pretend, and it’s freaking fabulous. Not a bad conversation, or memory, for a weekday morning, before reality sets in. — Fast forward a few hours and I’m on my way home listening to news coverage of Super Tuesday in the car. I’m listening to pontificators discuss our perspective Republican nominee. I’m listening as they talk about a man who loathes Muslims, women and journalists, but needs more information before he can condemn America’s oldest hate group. I’m listening to them talk about a man who physically mocks the disabled, and brazenly claims he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose any votes for it. (Sadly, he’s not wrong on the latter.) I’m listening to them talk about a man who does nothing but play on our basest fears, and could very likely win the support of America’s Grand Old Party within a matter of days. His ideas are not Republican. They are not American. They don’t deserve to be dignified or acknowledged on the Great Stage. His ideas are filled with vitriol and hate, and borrowed from another era. His ideas happen when we no longer teach an accurate version of history. His ideas happen when we get our news in 30-second sound bites from sources claiming to be “fair and balanced” but in reality are anything but. What he doesn’t realize is America already is great, and we don’t need his ideas at all. — When kids imagine, it’s inspiring. There are no bedtimes, or brussel sprouts. There are no tears or Trump. There is only a pirate ship in the middle of the ocean. What’s a kid, or a pirate, left to do in that moment? The only thing he can do. Sing Jingle Bells.  When it...

Some moments I gaze at my son and instantly understand he is mine. It’s like looking in a mirror at a tiny toddler version of myself, and immediately identifying with my parents’ experience in a whole new way. Seconds later he will do something ridiculous (like shout for green beans when he has pizza on his plate) that calls that entire truth into question, and I’m left wondering how we could possibly be related. Such is the ebb and flow of parenting a 2-year-old. I never imagined parenting meant forcing a kid to finish his pizza before he can have his vegetables, but here we are. As any parent of a toddler knows, life (and therefore your sanity) can change on a dime. Here is a sampling of some frequent occurrences that confirm my deepest paternity truths, or leave me perpetually guessing. He picks the cheese off pizza and only eats half the slice. Paternity test needed. He runs to his target on the other side of the room, completely oblivious to his surroundings because he’s looking down at his feet. He either runs into the bench or trips over his own feet, it’s tough to say which caused the fall. Sadly, no paternity test needed. He uses green beans to mask the taste of the chicken. Paternity test needed. He eats six-course meals that leave his mother wondering what grocery bills will look like during his teenage years. No paternity test needed. He prefers cartoons to sports. I don’t care if he is only 2. Paternity test needed. He wants to read everything. If you delay too long when the book is open and he expects you to read to him, he’ll say “Talk to it, daddy.” No paternity test needed. At the age of 2, when one parent says “no,” he’ll go ask the other parent. I’m pretty sure I did the same thing, but I don’t know if I started that early. No paternity test needed. He’s exceeded his number of free answers to questions for the year. I’m thinking about charging a quarter per remaining question. This idea isn’t entirely original, however. A friend of the family threatened to charge me, when I was a kid. No paternity test needed. When he makes us laugh, he repeats his joke over and over and over. Sadly, no paternity test needed. I’m pretty sure my wife will back all these claims up – some more enthusiastically than others. But luckily, whether he’s laughing and smiling or standing up on his dining room chair, he’s...

Times are tough, and parents have been hit hard in the pocket book. As a dad who blogs, I figured I am in a unique position to offer my insight on how to tighten the family budget. My reasons for presenting this advice are twofold: If there’s one thing the Internet needs more of, it’s parenting advice. If there are two things, the second would be pictures of cats. But there are other places you can get that. Only people who have an expert-level knowledge in a subject matter write about it on the Internet. Therefore it stands to reason that any advice you read on the Internet must be good advice. Full disclosure, I haven’t been able to convince my lovely wife to implement any of these cost saving measures (WHAT THE HELL?) but I figured the thrifty and ambitious among you could give them a try and report back. Without further ado, here is my list of 5 totally legitimate tips for parents to save money: Ditch Daycare and Babysitting – You know how people are constantly comparing the intelligence levels of dogs and toddlers? It’s time to find out which is smarter for the sake of science. You leave your dog home alone all day while you’re at work, so why not leave your kid? If you’re having some reservations about this at first, it’s OK. That’s normal. You can sign them up for one of those babysitter CPR courses. Kids are resilient. Trust me, they’ll be fine. This one simple tip can save you a TON of money. If you have one kid, daycare is a significant expense. If you have two or more, daycare is closer to a second mortgage. Also, marriages undergo a lot of stress when children are involved. This advice can be applied for date night as well. Ditch the babysitter and do date night on a budget! Reusable Diapers – I know there are the purists out there who might still use cloth diapers to save a little money. But those need to be washed, and that’s just gross. I have an alternate solution. If your little one does a number two, simply empty his disposable diaper into the toilet and put it back on! BAM! Money saved! The Gift of Boxes – Toys are downright expensive. Luckily when they are exploring the world around them it doesn’t take much to capture their interest. Why not take advantage of this? Put a box in the room and they could be entertained for hours. No more toys necessary. Instead of buying them a toy kitchen for their birthday, find them a box. The best part is you typically don’t have to...

I never worked a day in the restaurant industry, but being a parent at mealtime gives you keen insight into serving high maintenance customers in a restaurant. Let’s just say it’s a good thing toddlers are the most adorable things you’ve ever seen. They’re also loud, passionate, messy, fidgety fireballs who can barely sit still long enough for their food to hit their stomach. Oh, and they change their mind A LOT. Not sure it was ever made up to begin with.   This is how a typical meal conversation between Jamie and I goes: Me: “We’re having pizza tonight, does that sound good?” J: “Yea, pizza. I want pizza!” Me: “OK, buddy. It’s ready. Your slice is at the table. It’s time for dinner.” J: “Nooooooooo!!!! I wanna keep playing Mickey Mouse club house!!” Me: “But you just said you wanted pizza. Now put your toys away, and go wash up.” Slooowly putting toys away one at a time. J: “Can I play toys after dinner?” Me: “Sure. Provided dinner doesn’t take two hours.” J: “What?” Me: “Nothing. Go wash up.” Washes up. Sits down. J: “I don’t want pizza.” Me: “You said you wanted pizza.” J: “I want food.” “You’ll have to pardon my sudden outbursts,” is what I picture him saying. “Sometimes the desire just pops in my head before I can even say what I want. I just have to scramble to get it out. It is pure, unbridled passion.”   But alas, there are no explanations for a toddler’s behavior. Me: “How do you ask?” I remind him, and he reiterates in a much politer manner. J: “Please can I have more food?” Me: “Better. What kind of food do you want? Keep in mind the kitchen menu is limited right now.” J: “I want Oreos.” Me: “No.” J: “I want pasketi.” Me: “We don’t have any spaghetti. Have a couple bites of pizza.” Takes a couple bites. Wipes hands in his hair.   J: “I want milk.” We bring him more milk. J: “No. No. No. I want water.” Same as before, desire gets the best of him. Me: “You have milk.” Pretty soon a half hour has gone by and he’s had three bites of pizza. J: “I want something else.”  Me: “I’m sure you do.”      ...

  I’ll be the first to admit how lucky we’ve been with sleep when it comes to Jamie. He slept through the night for so long. But with potty training we told him to tell us when he has to go the bathroom at night. And with that came a realization that he runs the show. He’s slipped in and out of patterns, refusing naps and resisting bedtimes some nights. One night he told us “I just want to look at daddy.” Not even mommy says that, so I immediately called B.S. and sent him back to bed. OK, so I gushed a little bit, smiling on the inside, and then sent him back to bed. Since he only said it once, it wasn’t prevalent enough to include. Here is a helpful pie chart with some of the more frequent requests (by...