Let’s Leave Fantasy to the Professionals

Let’s Leave Fantasy to the Professionals

Yesterday morning I had a vivid conversation with my 2-year-old about the pirate ship in our front room. Then it was a boat. Then a rocket. Whatever purpose it serves in his mind, to us it is an old, sturdy cedar chest that sits below our front window. Despite the frequent changes of name and purpose, I knew exactly what he referred to. We’ve sat on that ship, pirates together in the middle of the sea, and given stirring renditions of that old pirate favorite, Jingle Bells. Because for some reason, that’s the tune that pirates sing when they are out to sea together. They also pump their fists in the air for added affect when we get to the “Hey!” in the middle of the song. For a minute, I’m not a dad, or a husband or a writer. I’m just the senior pirate taking the junior pirate out for an ocean cruise. I’m a giant kid playing pretend, and it’s freaking fabulous. Not a bad conversation, or memory, for a weekday morning, before reality sets in. — Fast forward a few hours and I’m on my way home listening to news coverage of Super Tuesday in the car. I’m listening to pontificators discuss our perspective Republican nominee. I’m listening as they talk about a man who loathes Muslims, women and journalists, but needs more information before he can condemn America’s oldest hate group. I’m listening to them talk about a man who physically mocks the disabled, and brazenly claims he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose any votes for it. (Sadly, he’s not wrong on the latter.) I’m listening to them talk about a man who does nothing but play on our basest fears, and could very likely win the support of America’s Grand Old Party within a matter of days. His ideas are not Republican. They are not American. They don’t deserve to be dignified or acknowledged on the Great Stage. His ideas are filled with vitriol and hate, and borrowed from another era. His ideas happen when we no longer teach an accurate version of history. His ideas happen when we get our news in 30-second sound bites from sources claiming to be “fair and balanced” but in reality are anything but. What he doesn’t realize is America already is great, and we don’t need his ideas at all. — When kids imagine, it’s inspiring. There are no bedtimes, or brussel sprouts. There are no tears or Trump. There is only a pirate ship in the middle of the ocean. What’s a kid, or a pirate, left to do in that moment? The only thing he can do. Sing Jingle Bells.  When it...

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Paternity Test Needed?

Paternity Test Needed?

Some moments I gaze at my son and instantly understand he is mine. It’s like looking in a mirror at a tiny toddler version of myself, and immediately identifying with my parents’ experience in a whole new way. Seconds later he will do something ridiculous (like shout for green beans when he has pizza on his plate) that calls that entire truth into question, and I’m left wondering how we could possibly be related. Such is the ebb and flow of parenting a 2-year-old. I never imagined parenting meant forcing a kid to finish his pizza before he can have his vegetables, but here we are. As any parent of a toddler knows, life (and therefore your sanity) can change on a dime. Here is a sampling of some frequent occurrences that confirm my deepest paternity truths, or leave me perpetually guessing. He picks the cheese off pizza and only eats half the slice. Paternity test needed. He runs to his target on the other side of the room, completely oblivious to his surroundings because he’s looking down at his feet. He either runs into the bench or trips over his own feet, it’s tough to say which caused the fall. Sadly, no paternity test needed. He uses green beans to mask the taste of the chicken. Paternity test needed. He eats six-course meals that leave his mother wondering what grocery bills will look like during his teenage years. No paternity test needed. He prefers cartoons to sports. I don’t care if he is only 2. Paternity test needed. He wants to read everything. If you delay too long when the book is open and he expects you to read to him, he’ll say “Talk to it, daddy.” No paternity test needed. At the age of 2, when one parent says “no,” he’ll go ask the other parent. I’m pretty sure I did the same thing, but I don’t know if I started that early. No paternity test needed. He’s exceeded his number of free answers to questions for the year. I’m thinking about charging a quarter per remaining question. This idea isn’t entirely original, however. A friend of the family threatened to charge me, when I was a kid. No paternity test needed. When he makes us laugh, he repeats his joke over and over and over. Sadly, no paternity test needed. I’m pretty sure my wife will back all these claims up – some more enthusiastically than others. But luckily, whether he’s laughing and smiling or standing up on his dining room chair, he’s...

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5 Totally Legitimate Tips For Parents to Save Money

5 Totally Legitimate Tips For Parents to Save Money

Times are tough, and parents have been hit hard in the pocket book. As a dad who blogs, I figured I am in a unique position to offer my insight on how to tighten the family budget. My reasons for presenting this advice are twofold: If there’s one thing the Internet needs more of, it’s parenting advice. If there are two things, the second would be pictures of cats. But there are other places you can get that. Only people who have an expert-level knowledge in a subject matter write about it on the Internet. Therefore it stands to reason that any advice you read on the Internet must be good advice. Full disclosure, I haven’t been able to convince my lovely wife to implement any of these cost saving measures (WHAT THE HELL?) but I figured the thrifty and ambitious among you could give them a try and report back. Without further ado, here is my list of 5 totally legitimate tips for parents to save money: Ditch Daycare and Babysitting – You know how people are constantly comparing the intelligence levels of dogs and toddlers? It’s time to find out which is smarter for the sake of science. You leave your dog home alone all day while you’re at work, so why not leave your kid? If you’re having some reservations about this at first, it’s OK. That’s normal. You can sign them up for one of those babysitter CPR courses. Kids are resilient. Trust me, they’ll be fine. This one simple tip can save you a TON of money. If you have one kid, daycare is a significant expense. If you have two or more, daycare is closer to a second mortgage. Also, marriages undergo a lot of stress when children are involved. This advice can be applied for date night as well. Ditch the babysitter and do date night on a budget! Reusable Diapers – I know there are the purists out there who might still use cloth diapers to save a little money. But those need to be washed, and that’s just gross. I have an alternate solution. If your little one does a number two, simply empty his disposable diaper into the toilet and put it back on! BAM! Money saved! The Gift of Boxes – Toys are downright expensive. Luckily when they are exploring the world around them it doesn’t take much to capture their interest. Why not take advantage of this? Put a box in the room and they could be entertained for hours. No more toys necessary. Instead of buying them a toy kitchen for their birthday, find them a box. The best part is you typically don’t have to...

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Mealtime (A One Act Play)

Mealtime (A One Act Play)

I never worked a day in the restaurant industry, but being a parent at mealtime gives you keen insight into serving high maintenance customers in a restaurant. Let’s just say it’s a good thing toddlers are the most adorable things you’ve ever seen. They’re also loud, passionate, messy, fidgety fireballs who can barely sit still long enough for their food to hit their stomach. Oh, and they change their mind A LOT. Not sure it was ever made up to begin with.   This is how a typical meal conversation between Jamie and I goes: Me: “We’re having pizza tonight, does that sound good?” J: “Yea, pizza. I want pizza!” Me: “OK, buddy. It’s ready. Your slice is at the table. It’s time for dinner.” J: “Nooooooooo!!!! I wanna keep playing Mickey Mouse club house!!” Me: “But you just said you wanted pizza. Now put your toys away, and go wash up.” Slooowly putting toys away one at a time. J: “Can I play toys after dinner?” Me: “Sure. Provided dinner doesn’t take two hours.” J: “What?” Me: “Nothing. Go wash up.” Washes up. Sits down. J: “I don’t want pizza.” Me: “You said you wanted pizza.” J: “I want food.” “You’ll have to pardon my sudden outbursts,” is what I picture him saying. “Sometimes the desire just pops in my head before I can even say what I want. I just have to scramble to get it out. It is pure, unbridled passion.”   But alas, there are no explanations for a toddler’s behavior. Me: “How do you ask?” I remind him, and he reiterates in a much politer manner. J: “Please can I have more food?” Me: “Better. What kind of food do you want? Keep in mind the kitchen menu is limited right now.” J: “I want Oreos.” Me: “No.” J: “I want pasketi.” Me: “We don’t have any spaghetti. Have a couple bites of pizza.” Takes a couple bites. Wipes hands in his hair.   J: “I want milk.” We bring him more milk. J: “No. No. No. I want water.” Same as before, desire gets the best of him. Me: “You have milk.” Pretty soon a half hour has gone by and he’s had three bites of pizza. J: “I want something else.”  Me: “I’m sure you do.”      ...

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Things My Toddler Wants When It’s Way Past His Bed Time – An Infographic

Things My Toddler Wants When It’s Way Past His Bed Time – An Infographic

  I’ll be the first to admit how lucky we’ve been with sleep when it comes to Jamie. He slept through the night for so long. But with potty training we told him to tell us when he has to go the bathroom at night. And with that came a realization that he runs the show. He’s slipped in and out of patterns, refusing naps and resisting bedtimes some nights. One night he told us “I just want to look at daddy.” Not even mommy says that, so I immediately called B.S. and sent him back to bed. OK, so I gushed a little bit, smiling on the inside, and then sent him back to bed. Since he only said it once, it wasn’t prevalent enough to include. Here is a helpful pie chart with some of the more frequent requests (by...

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Not The Movie I Am Looking For

Not The Movie I Am Looking For

I don’t really know what the most pressing question is for parenting a toddler. There are so many important issues a parent must deal with in this day and age. Addressing these things can truly take strategy and consideration: Is your toddler eating a properly balanced diet? Is your toddler receiving the right amount of sleep? How do you instill the right values in your toddler? How do you get your toddler to stop throwing temper tantrums? I am sure there are thousand other questions that are on the same level. I can however tell you one question that is definitely not on the imperative question list, though it is frequently asked: “What is the proper sequence for showing your children the Star Wars movies?” A slightly related question might be: “What is the proper age to begin showing your child the Star Wars movies?” I’ve been asked these questions on multiple occasions, by many people. The talk has obviously flared up again recently with the upcoming movie, or something. My answer to these questions typically revolves around the idea that I will not show them to my son. At this point I am met with a scoff or a snort of derision, and I immediately understand what non-sports fans must feel. I truly am happy for any blogger friends who were part of release, and premier activities for the upcoming movie. I know what I felt like walking away from meeting professional athletes, or going to a game. It truly is an awesome feeling. But, I fall into the tiny sliver of the human race that believes the Star Wars movies were wildly overrated, and wholly unworthy of the media attention the franchise receives. They’re good movies, but by no means the best movie series of my lifetime. You know how excited the fanatics are about seeing the upcoming Force Awakens movie? That’s how excited I am about the day that I don’t have a Facebook feed stuffed with Darth Vader memes, and pledges not to spoil the movie for those unlucky enough to have not seen it yet. All of this is to say that I just don’t care. Jar-Jar ruined any warm feelings I might have had for the original three as a child. And to be honest, I wasn’t all that excited before Jar-Jar was on the scene. If my son stumbles on these movies when he grows older and likes them, more power to him. But I don’t cherish the idea of showing them to him as some sort of right of passage. Honestly, Meg likes science fiction more than I do. She grew up in a family watching Star-Trek, while I was more at home watching...

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It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

I like the holidays. I do. The period between Thanksgiving and Christmas has been a great time to enter into a food induced coma, and then toss up a New Year’s resolution to climb your way out. It’s also a great time to slow down, and enjoy time with family and friends.  For most of my adult life, my wife and I lived in relatively small apartments with very little room to put things. I never liked the “stuff on top of stuff” decorating motif, so I became pegged as the Scrooge, and labeled anti-Christmas. I am also pro-Thanksgiving and never cared much for all that Black Friday entails. No thank you. I am not too big of fan of the fact every retail outlet becomes infinitely more crowded for an entire month. I am also going to enjoy this window before we’re shopping for the latest and greatest toy. But I think the traditional, giving themes of the holiday are well worth the effort, and I hope to instill some of that onto Jamie. Which brings me to the Friday after Thanksgiving. It’s a day I’ve typically dreaded. While I’m not out shopping, it’s the day when the family pressure is the strongest to bring out those Christmas decorations. We have a little bit more room in our house for miscellaneous red stuff, but decorating is still a tough row to hoe, between the kid and the dog. Things are a bit different now. Jamie’s had some sort of toddler sixth sense, possessing the ability to detect the nearing approach of Christmas since the end of Halloween. The pine tree air freshener in my car became “Daddy’s Christmas tree.” Hearing about Christmas every day following Halloween always makes me cringe a bit. And then I saw what this holiday means to him. My son is nearly 3, so it’s the first Christmas he’ll start to make sense of. We unpacked the Christmas tree, and the kid jumped for joy at the idea of decorating it. He barely slept a wink for his nap. We opened a box of ornaments we’ve been giving him over the last couple years, and he all but memorized who gave him which ornament, stopping to thank the person, even if they weren’t in the room. On Saturday morning following Thanksgiving he began opening and closing the doors on an advent calendar. I tried to explain it didn’t start for a few more days, but all he could say is “I want to do it now!!” As an infant we were able to buy his Christmas presents in front of him, but that window is most definitely gone. Happy holidays. Merry Christmas. It’s going to...

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