Let’s start with the basic assumption that pregnancy must be a physically excruciating experience. You don’t need to be a rocket scientist or even a woman to figure that one out.
When my wife looked at me after giving birth and joked “You’re having the next one,” a small part of me shook in fear even though I knew the laws of nature were on my side.
While women certainly bear the physical brunt of the whole experience, it’s not a walk in the park for men, either. For instance sympathy weight gain is a very real thing. Then there’s the fact that everything we say for the next nine months will be held to the highest levels of scrutiny by our expecting significant others.
Think about it this way. There’s no end to the number of inappropriate remarks that a man can make. Landmines, traps, and pitfalls are all around. I even fell into a few myself (shocking).
While my only child is nine months old (meaning I’ve been through this precisely once), I felt like I had something to offer in this realm. So guys, feel free to use this post as a cheat sheet on what not to say while conversing with a pregnant woman. Practice if needed.
Here are a few hypothetical situations for your benefit, and how not to handle them:
Things not to say while announcing your wife/girlfriend/baby mama’s pregnancy to others:
1) I’m having a baby – No you’re not! Your wife/girlfriend/baby mama is doing all the work. You’re waking up one day with a larger family unit. Enjoy it. But understand and be grateful that something so large is not emerging from a hole that small. It’s a victory for nature.
2) We’re having a baby – Avoid this one because it also implicates you in the process. You’re just a bystander. Your “job” was previously completed. Case closed.
3) We’re pregnant – She’s doing the work. She’s experiencing the contractions. She’s the one who experiences Pitocin. (If you don’t know what that is, look it up.) Again, you’re a bystander. Know your place.
Instead of using these remarks, it’s best to simply say “(insert name) is pregnant.” That way you’re not implying that you’ll be carrying any larger piece of the responsibility here. She does the work. You reap the benefit.
A list of inappropriate responses when your wife/girlfriend/baby mama shares their great news with you:
1) Are you sure it’s mine?
2) How much weight did the doctor say you could gain with the pregnancy?
3) Are the girls off limits?
Instead, try to use words and phrases such as yay, congratulations, that’s great, or awesome. It’s important to smile, make eye contact, and try to look enthusiastic as she delivers her news. It’s also important to understand that your initial reaction to this news will be monitored closer than your initial reaction to anything else you are ever told in your life.
A list of situations when it’s socially appropriate to ask any woman if she’s pregnant:
1) You see the baby’s head coming out of her.
2) Never.
It doesn’t matter how skinny she looked a few months ago, or how much she is currently showing. The risk on this one is simply too high.
A list of things not to say to your wife/girlfriend/baby mamma when she tells you she thinks she’s going into labor, or her water broke (Personal experience comes into play on more than one of these answers here.)
1) Isn’t that something you should know?
2) It’s OK honey, go back to sleep.
3) Now? The Bears are on.
OK, in my defense, before my son was born I was a very sound sleeper. My wife woke me up after two hours of sleep to tell me she thought her water broke. I may or may not have gone with the #1, #2 combo. Those are words I’m still not living down to this day.
What not to say when a woman (who is showing) tells you she is pregnant:
1) You sure it’s not twins?
2) Wait. Are you married?
3) Don’t worry. Your face slims down after you give birth.
4) You are? I couldn’t tell.
Words of affirmation are the best approach here. Yay. Awesome. Congratulations. Just remember to look enthusiastic and be careful with follow up questions.
Don’t worry guys. If you say something worthy of this list, she can’t stay mad at you forever. Once your little bundle of joy has arrived, the attention is momentarily off you. It won’t be long until they need their diaper changed though, and you’re back on the hook.
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