Dear Jamie,
I suspect you may be a little surprised to get this note. But you, my toddler friend, are the competition, and as such I have a few things to say. I have worked tirelessly on my ability to communicate these thoughts. My typing skills are vastly improved, and worlds better than the cat’s. I hear there is an entire website on the Internet devoted to her kind’s inability to spell.
Anyway, here goes. You are not the only one after our masters’ attention and I am asking for you to kindly back off.
When you run circles around the house screaming mindless gibberish in an ear-piercing decibel range, it makes me want to eat and destroy your toys for revenge. This is just annoying and in no way considerate of those sleeping on the couch during the evening news – me and your precious “daddy.”
When you hug my butt instead of my head, this also makes me want to eat and destroy your things. Do you know how humiliating this is? I just have to stand there and take it. Why would you put your head down there? Do you know what I do every morning on my walk? Luckily none of my 4-legged friends from my previous foster home have to see this. If I were human I’d be blushing, or maybe even in therapy. My head is at the front of my body. If you want to hug me and put your head on me, hug me from the front.
Every day I consider myself lucky that the masters walk and feed me and not you. With your aimless wandering and your difficulty navigating the stairs I would clearly be taking you for a walk and not the other way around.
I’ve seen the way you eat your own meals. You might want to find your mouth with your spaghetti before you ever worry about feeding the cat or I. On second thought don’t worry about finding your mouth with your food. I can come back and clean up after you. It beats some of the boring dried food they feed me.
A few of the positives – You can keep on telling me how cute I am when you pet me. You can keep on asking where I am or what I’m doing when I am clearly right in front of you. It’s a little odd, but endearing. And a favor – would you mind slipping me some of that hot dog you won’t finish? Again, dried food – it’s boring.
Even though it’s only been a month or so, things are going well. I still might need to eat another toy or two when you’re not looking, just to keep you in check. Back off the masters, and leave some of their attention for me.
Your new best friend through childhood,
Captain
the dog
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