Parenting is hard stuff. The temper tantrums and logic deficit complicate the necessary day-to-day routines that come with raising a toddler. Sometimes you have to fudge the truth a little bit in order to survive. As a parent, you say things you never pictured coming out of your mouth. Sometimes there’s a handful of lies told before breakfast. Sometimes they just fall out in the moment and you don’t get a chance to really think about what it is you’re saying. The occasional lie is necessary when it comes to parenting. It can often be the only way out of a jam. Here are seven lies I tell my son: The Food You Eat Powers the TV. You want to watch Horton or Monsters or Toy Story? It’s time to eat your vegetables. Picture those science experiments where lights are hooked up to the hamster wheel. That’s how the TV works in this house, except with food. The healthier the food, the longer the TV is powered. (Insert cartoon character in request) Plays first base for the Cubs. This one never really worked. He sees right through it. But if it buys me a couple more minutes of baseball, I’m for trying. Goldfish are the perfect vehicle to learn about taxes. This one isn’t so much a lie as it is a lesson that’s still a bit over his head. Your employer (daddy) gave you four Goldfish. The government (daddy) took two. Get used to a high tax rate, especially if you want to stay in Illinois, son. The tax rate on Goldfish is typically higher than Illinois property taxes. It’s a steep learning curve. The cookies went bad. Sometimes you need a way to say no to a toddler requesting cookies for breakfast. It just depends on the day. Playing “blocks away” is more fun than playing “blocks.” Jamie love’s to make a mess with one toy and quickly move on to the next. His set of toy blocks quickly spreads across our living room floor, creating a chaotic mess. So we’ve begun playing blocks away in order to promote cleanup. There’s no way it’s half as fun as playing blocks, though. Daddy loves his vegetables. On a night where the vegetables came out of a bag in the freezer this is a flat out lie. Summer veggies might be a different story. The truth is that as soon as he goes to bed, I’m eating ice cream. You should never lie. Well, almost never. Sometimes it’s just necessary. What are some of the lies you’ve told your kids? If you like what you read, please vote for me by clicking the Top Daddy Blog Link below or sharing on social media....

A few days a week we send Jamie to a neighborhood daycare. On the nice days I walk to pick him up, since it’s about two blocks from my home. When I first started this, it was efficient. I could just strap Jamie in the stroller and set my own pace. Now he’s bigger, walking, and more distracted. The way adults and toddlers approach a walk is very different. I’m looking at the process of getting home so we can carry on with our day. Jamie is counting blades of grass, messing up, and starting over. I’m not saying which strategy is right, just that the differences can lead to a test of wills. I’ve had to carry him a few times, but I try to hold it as a last resort. Jamie is learning his way home. But his sense of direction is still in development. If he had to write directions to our house from daycare, this is what they might look like: Wait until we’re out the door from daycare, and no one else can hear. Then whisper goodbye to the people who said bye inside. Run two circles around the neighbor’s ash tree. Fight your dad’s insistence to hold your hand, yelling and pulling your hand away. Find an elevated crack in the sidewalk by nearly tripping over it. When it startles you, turn around and slowly walk over it again to inspect. Nearly tripping. Again. Shout “leaves!” and bend over to pick up a windmill discarded on the sidewalk. Repeat for as many windmills as are seen on the sidewalk. When dad asks if you want to keep going home, shout “NO!!!!” Don’t be afraid to resort to a strategic temper tantrum if necessary. When dad asks if you want to play outside when we get home, keep shaking your head no. Stop in front of the house where a stranger was walking a small dog last week. Yell “Doggy??!!” in hopes it might come running out the door for you. Turn around and run the opposite direction as hard and fast as you can at least once. Find stick. Throw stick in the air. Repeat. Run toward the Robin in the neighbor’s yard shouting “Birrrrrrdddddiiiiieeeee!!!” Smile and yell “Mommy and daddy’s house!” when you see it from a distance. Stare blankly when dad explains that you live there too. Yell “Outside??!!” when you realize your time in the fresh air might come to an end. Stare blankly when your dad when your mutters out loud that he already offered that option to you. I could definitely see the importance of this Google invention to add more insight into the mind of a traveling toddler....

As kids age, they earn more freedoms. They start out crawling, then walking. They move on to riding a bike and then driving a car. It all happens over the better part of two decades, but that is the natural order of things. One look at a naked toddler running down the hallway after a bath, and I’m rethinking this natural order of things. What about the freedoms that toddlers have that disappear in adulthood? There are days I want to revert to acting like a toddler. Growing up is a trade off. There are freedoms won, and freedoms lost. There are so many things our offspring can get away with that don’t wash in mom or dad’s world. Here are four: 1) Go Streaking When toddlers go streaking with a rebellious smile on their face, it’s freaking adorable. When adults go streaking it ends up looking more like Frank the Tank (Will Farrell) in the cult classic Old School. At some point you have to consider that not everyone wants to see that. 2) Dance With No Music  The other day I caught Jamie doing this. A lot of times he’ll perk up and dance when an unexpected song comes on the television. But when inspiration strikes he’ll dance with nothing in the background. For an adult, picture a Dead Head with no jam band behind them. For an adult to do this, somebody’s going to accuse you of being on drugs. It’s a valid hypothesis, and more likely than just being high on life. 3) Run Around and Yell In Public I work on a computer all day long. Sometimes nothing seems better than burning a little energy off. But if I were to run around my workplace aimlessly yelling, there better be a fire. OK, so I can do this in public if Jamie’s around and doing the same thing. Kind of. Anything to entertain a 2-year-old. 4) Live Life With No Filter  If I don’t like something Meg cooked I keep my mouth shut, or offer feedback in a diplomatic, constructive manner. Then there’s Jamie, who can throw the offending food, finger paint with it, or wear it in his hair. All of this can be done while yelling and screaming “NO!!” and violently shaking his head as we try to feed him. We’ve implemented time outs for excessive behavior. We haven’t even gotten to the random/inappropriate questions stage, but the lack of filter is still noticeable. Sometimes, it’s the simple things I miss – behaviors so simple the rest of the world might deem you clinically insane.    ...

News flash to the toddler’s just coming onto the scene: Sometimes your parents aren’t going to give you everything you want, and that’s where temper tantrums come into play. Whether it’s the new toy, the cartoon you’re in the mood for, or some great food – sometimes they say no, and some say no more than others. So what is a toddler in want to do? It may be time for you to make life so uncomfortable and unbearable for your parents that they have to say yes. A little pressure in the form of a persuasive temper tantrum never hurt. So here you go, little ones. Throw the best temper tantrum you can. This is how. Disclaimer: Unless you are a toddler who can read, in which case this post is for adult eyes only. It’s the toddler’s complete guide to throwing a temper tantrum:    Playing the odds  Determine the target. What is it that you are after? Is it worth it? Is it something trivial? It doesn’t really matter. If inspiration strikes, go for it. Are you in public? Do your parents have company over? Determine your audience. The more people, the more pressure, the better the odds. This is especially true for formal settings, when your parents are wanting you on your best behavior. A temper tantrum can still be effective with a one person audience, however. Do you know the word for what you’re asking for? If you don’t, it’s not a problem. “NO…THIS!!!” is still an acceptable, and sometimes preferred chant during a temper tantrum. What kind of temper tantrum are you looking to throw? So you’ve assessed the situation and determined that a tantrum is your best shot at the goods. That’s great. Now it’s time to determine the game plan. What kind of temper tantrum are you looking to throw? The limp noodle – Are you walking with your parents wherever you are going? Do they insist on taking your hand? It is time to let your limbs loose and make any type of mobility or cooperation impossible. They want you to go to your room? Fine. Make them pick you up. They want to get back to the car? Fine. Make them pick you up. Heck, make them pick you up out of the street if you have to. If you’re not going to get what you want, make them pay. The limb kicker – This is the violent one. Anyone gets near you, make it perfectly clear they might catch a forearm in the stomach, chest or groin. As Don Corleone would say, it’s just business. If they want you to stop kicking, punching or flailing, tell them to...

Meg’s been working diligently over the last few weeks to teach Jamie his full name and address. Jamie’s been unbelievably receptive to this, reciting it almost every time he is asked. I thought I would seize the opportunity to teach Jamie who the President of the United States is. That way if a late night TV host decides to stick a microphone in his face when he’s older, he’s covered on what somehow seems to be the most frequently missed question. “Jamie can you say Barack Obama?” “Bock O’Gamma.” This happened several times. While grandma will find this cute, to my knowledge she never had those kind of political aspirations. This one is a work in progress. I love watching Jamie’s brain in action. He’s picked up so much. It is always interesting to see his spin on what he is learning, and how he applies it. Here are a few more recent examples of his interpretations in action: Lately we’ve been reading a Shel Silverstein book at night with him, and he points at the people illustrations, and saying “That’s momma,” or “That’s dada.” Some of the illustrations are older people with scraggly hair and beards. I’m not sure I agree with some of his observations, but hey, he’s 2. Over the winter we went to a family wedding. As a random female stranger entered the chapel at the church, Jamie started shouting “Mama! Mama! Mama!” He also did the same thing on a walk around the neighborhood with a stranger that looked nothing like his mother. It can make things awkward. Just when I expected him to yell “WHERE DID MOMMY GO!!!???” like every other time mommy walks away, he asks me if mommy went downstairs to feed the cat. Put that one in the victory (and impressed) column. I love watching him expand his vocabulary and figure these concepts out – even if he associates his mom and dad with the old and scraggly. Meanwhile I’ll keep teaching him who the President...

We started a tradition early on, with Jamie gifting a craft for both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. It is a tradition with an excellent sentiment, since he’s not exactly out bargain shopping, and doesn’t have an allowance. He’s 2, so “from Jamie” options are fairly limited. Right now it is a tradition that just makes both parents smile. As he gets a little older it is a way for him to show appreciation for someone else. Obviously this tradition involves a bit of involvement from the other parent. I already wrote about singing being one of my shortcomings as a father. It turns out I have another. (Who knew?) To a layman it may look like Jamie’s crafting abilities make a drastic improvement between the month of May and June. Maybe he’s showing some progress in this area, but there is more at play. Painting and crafting are not two things I would put on my list of creative strengths. It’s OK. I came to terms with that a long time ago. I’d probably have to do something drastic, like cut off an ear, to sell some artwork. Last Mother’s Day Meg received a mug that Jamie and I painted together. It’s tough to say whose contributions were more legible, mine or his. This is because we completed the project in the waning hours before the holiday, and it didn’t exactly go as planned, or as the directions on the back of the kit indicated it would. I placed the mug in the oven for the recommended time to set the paint. By the time it came out, the paint dripped to the point all color on the mug looked like a soupy mess. That cup still sits with the rest of our coffee mugs. It’s important to Meg because it came from Jamie. It is something I see and makes me want to stick with writing. A few weeks later, on Father’s Day, I received an elaborate painting on a canvas from my son with dinosaurs and a personalized message. For good reason, Father’s Day crafts come easier to Jamie. I am happy to report that Jamie’s Mother’s Day gift this year came out as intended, but is still simplistic in nature. Even though I’m a bit artistically challenged when it comes to painting and crafting, it’s a tradition I still enjoy. I enjoy seeing what it does for Meg on Mother’s Day. I can also use the reminders to keep writing. Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out...