Our cat doesn’t hate people. She just hates people who don’t have the last name Brennan, and who don’t live under the same roof. We’ve had friends with kids over before Jamie was born. Some of these experiences frequently ended with her hissing, or swatting at them, or otherwise acting out. They rarely ended well. To say that we were nervous about her cohabitating around a newborn was an egregious understatement. We brought Jamie home from the hospital, and our home life was not what we expected. She sniffed the infant carrier, and showed a strong indifference to everything. She never even seemed too upset at our attention being poured into the new addition to our household. She didn’t hate him. She simply chose not to care about any of the changes occurring around her. Victory for all. As Jamie became a little more aware of his surroundings, his infatuation with the cat grew. My mom made a book with photos of everyone in the family. The picture of the cat elicits the strongest reaction. He tries to pet the picture and lets out a sigh. He’s now becoming a much faster crawler, and the cat’s tranquil existence is being called into jeopardy every moment of every day. Jamie hasn’t quite grasped the idea of stealth as he chases after the cat. The grunts and other various noises he makes give the cat plenty of lead time on the ensuing approach. When he does find her, the pursuit begins innocent enough. He’ll pet her softly, with his miniature digits. Then, it goes downhill. He’ll grab a tuft of her fur, pulling. At that point, my wife and I try to teach him the word gentle as we show him by patting her on the back softly. To her credit, she still hasn’t so much as hissed at him. I’m not sure when or where our cat was switched out for a more child-friendly model, but I’ll take it. We’re to the point that if she reacts negatively to him, he probably did something to deserve it. It’s the perfect cause and effect lesson. Jamie has a way of getting what he wants, especially when it’s troublesome, and even as we’re watching him closely. I’m waiting for him to yank a tuft of hair and eat it. For a little guy that barely knows the words “Da Da” and “Ma Ma,” the word “gentle” still seems a bit off in the distance. For now, the cat can sit on the other side of our baby gate, and mockingly stare. It’s the only sanctuary she has....

My wife and I have conversations that frequently begin with “There’s no way ___________(pick the name of a random actor) is that old,” or “That’s that actor from __________ (pick the movie).” Like any married couple, we often can’t agree. It seems like a dangerous precedent to let her think she can be right. So we let modern technology pick the winner on the spot. After all, there’s no sense in dragging out this kind of disagreement. Remember when you had to watch the movie in question, or look the information up in a book to determine these answers? The International Movie Database solved that by allowing you to look the answers up quickly and easily online. That still seemed like such a painstaking hassle. So now you can get that information straight from an app. We’re regularly watching movies with our phones out to answer any possible debatable question, making the whole thing a much more interactive experience. We’ve even turned it into a game, guessing actors’ ages, and what movies they’ve been in. IMDB provides the answer sheet to the whole darn thing. At least now we’re not waiting weeks or months to draw out a single argument. We get to find out instantly how often our significant other is wrong about such important matters. Curious minds want to know. Competitive minds want to keep score. The speed with which technology provides answers isn’t limited to showbiz. I recently called my wife snarky because she deserved it. Then she wondered aloud what it meant. So we asked Siri. It turns out, the definition of the word is intelligently snide. I’m not sure what she said that provoked it, but I now call my wife intelligently snide on a regular basis. Before you think I’m being cruel, I should explain that she wears it as a badge of honor. She also often hurls it back at me. Shazam can also help save the relationships where both people are avid music fans. If your significant other can’t tell the difference between Neil Diamond and Neil Young, call them out on it! You no longer have to wait and wonder what band is playing on the radio, in the background, or on your favorite TV program. Shazam it. The app listens, and gives you the name of the artist, song and album. At least you can get answers before the questions sit and fester. Now you can save your energy for the disputes that really matter, like who gets control of the remote, or whether the toilet seat stays up or down.    ...

So you’re a new dad. Congratulations on the little bundle of joy. By this point in the process, you’ve surely figured out that sympathy weight gain is a very real thing. Every time your wife said “Screw it I’m eating chocolate,” and you followed along, the effects were cumulative. While you didn’t do the lion’s share of the work in the labor process, you still packed on a few. That’s alright. With a few adjustments, you can revert back to a healthier lifestyle. I’ve got a step-by-step guide for dads looking to lose that weight: Buy a membership to the gym. Next, curse yourself for not realizing you’ll never have time to use it. Get your refund. Buy a running stroller instead. Walk around the house looking for something between 6 and 25 pounds that you can lift over your head for arm exercise. Realize your baby fits the bill. He or she may even laugh or smile when you do this. If you’re looking to bypass the steps on this list, it may be useful to go into problem solving mode a little early. Just do your best to clear out whatever windows of time become available. You’ll also need to make the best use of your resources (your baby). Your baby is actually the perfect addition to your workouts. Use the stroller if you need to bring them along as you run through the neighborhood. Enjoy getting the time to clear your head if you don’t. Babies can actually be incorporated into several exercises if you get creative enough. Here are a few suggestions: Put them on the ground and do pushups with them between your arms. Each time you go down, kiss them, tickle them with your face, or otherwise attempt to make them laugh or smile. Try presses. Babies love flying through the air. It’s actually a pretty easy way to keep them entertained. Lay them sideways in your arms and curl them. Hold them in your hands as you do situps. It’s actually a pretty good way to work out your core muscles. You don’t actually need the gym to get rid of the spare tire. Whether the kid’s been around for a few hours, a few weeks, or a few months, it’s about time they started pulling their weight. Every time I do presses with Jamie, when I set him down, he sighs and breathes heavy like he did all the work. Yet he laughs and smiles while he’s up in the air. Go figure. Disclaimer – Unless you like being showered with spit up, it’s best to stagger your workouts as far away from feedings as possible. Lifting your baby above your...

In just a few days, Jamie will be celebrating his first Christmas. He’s 9 months old and incredibly interactive with the world around him, so it’ll be interesting to watch. The lead in to the holiday is as easy as it will ever be. Meg and I won’t have to play Santa this year. He won’t know the difference. We also haven’t had to do anything as far as covering our gift-buying tracks. His presents remained out in the open for days. While he’s seen everything he’ll be getting, he’ll be just as surprised on Christmas morning as if we hid them. This will be one of the few years that Meg and I won’t have to be on the lookout for the latest and greatest toy. There’s no expectation for the holiday, and no greed. He is genuinely more interested in everything on this list, than creating his own. It’s nerve racking from a safety standpoint, and beautiful in its innocence. The holiday season started the other night at my parents’ house. I can already see how all the cliches about being more interested in the wrapping paper hold true. Jamie says Merry Christmas! Well, he doesn’t really talk yet, so you have to kind of interpret the babbles. But I’m pretty sure that’s what they mean.          ...

Let’s start with the basic assumption that pregnancy must be a physically excruciating experience. You don’t need to be a rocket scientist or even a woman to figure that one out. When my wife looked at me after giving birth and joked “You’re having the next one,” a small part of me shook in fear even though I knew the laws of nature were on my side. While women certainly bear the physical brunt of the whole experience, it’s not a walk in the park for men, either. For instance sympathy weight gain is a very real thing. Then there’s the fact that everything we say for the next nine months will be held to the highest levels of scrutiny by our expecting significant others. Think about it this way. There’s no end to the number of inappropriate remarks that a man can make. Landmines, traps, and pitfalls are all around. I even fell into a few myself (shocking). While my only child is nine months old (meaning I’ve been through this precisely once), I felt like I had something to offer in this realm. So guys, feel free to use this post as a cheat sheet on what not to say while conversing with a pregnant woman. Practice if needed. Here are a few hypothetical situations for your benefit, and how not to handle them: Things not to say while announcing your wife/girlfriend/baby mama’s pregnancy to others: 1)   I’m having a baby – No you’re not! Your wife/girlfriend/baby mama is doing all the work. You’re waking up one day with a larger family unit. Enjoy it. But understand and be grateful that something so large is not emerging from a hole that small. It’s a victory for nature. 2)   We’re having a baby – Avoid this one because it also implicates you in the process. You’re just a bystander. Your “job” was previously completed. Case closed. 3)   We’re pregnant – She’s doing the work. She’s experiencing the contractions. She’s the one who experiences Pitocin. (If you don’t know what that is, look it up.) Again, you’re a bystander. Know your place. Instead of using these remarks, it’s best to simply say “(insert name) is pregnant.” That way you’re not implying that you’ll be carrying any larger piece of the responsibility here. She does the work. You reap the benefit. A list of inappropriate responses when your wife/girlfriend/baby mama shares their great news with you:  1)   Are you sure it’s mine? 2)   How much weight did the doctor say you could gain with the pregnancy? 3)   Are the girls off limits? Instead, try to use words and phrases such as yay, congratulations, that’s great, or awesome. It’s important to...

This whole being a dad thing is still pretty new to me. It had been years since I held a baby, and then the nurse handed me my own. Jamie’s still just eight months old, but it’s amazing how reality, and what I pictured fatherhood to be like, are two vastly different things. Here are just a few of the surprises I did not expect: How a child that can’t yet crawl magically appears in different places. I often compare my son in conversation with the extremely mobile clown in a recent Fed Ex commercial. The clown just magically appears in different locations of the home, and no one quite sees how it gets there. Jamie bears no physical resemblance to the clown. I just have no idea how he gets from one end of a room to another in the blink of an eye. How someone so small can make a noise so large. Seriously, you wouldn’t expect it. The cry is instinctual. It’s meant to tell the neighbors down the street that the baby is hungry. The smile is learned. How quickly a laugh or smile can turn your day around. You may be having the world’s worst workday. You may be wanting to bang your head against the wall listening to the aforementioned loud cry. But when he smiles or laughs, it will turn your world, and everything you thought you knew about it, back around. Every time. How a simple trip to the store can make you feel like you’re moving. OK, so you need to go the store. The groceries can’t wait. What if he poops? You need diapers. What if he’s hungry? You need a bottle. Depending on where you’re headed, you may need the stroller. There’s no such thing as traveling lightly anymore. Every time you leave the house the car is filled. How doing the dishes can double. Even a simple chore like doing the dishes becomes far more complicated. The baby’s stuff needs its own brush, and it’s own drying rack. There’s a lot to consider. How you’re not going to break him. I’ll admit, the nurse handed him to me, and I had the clumsy “What do I do now?” approach. I probably looked like the stereotypical dad taking his son for the first time. I held him with my hands, at a distance. But they’re heartier than you think. You won’t accidently hurt them. It doesn’t take that long to figure it out. How quickly your conversations become about poop, spit up, and other bodily functions. Your non-parental friends will begin to look at you funny, and you almost assuredly won’t know when or how to shut this...

An honest confession – I probably complain too much. To some that may come as a wild shock – utterly unbelievable. To others (likely a larger crowd), you could remove the word “probably” from the first sentence for improved accuracy. I love my 8-month-old son more and more each day, and I’m elated with our new home, but I’m sure that those around me were aware of the fact that I spent much of 2013 stressed. Whether it’s a list of unexpected fix it projects, the high pitch of a baby’s cry, or a life dominated by someone else’s feeding patterns and bodily functions, it seems there’s never a shortage of complaint fodder. It is easy to become self-absorbed. It’s easy to look at whatever’s annoying you, distracting you, or flat out pissing you off, and wish it would go away. I do it all the time. It’s a little more challenging to look at those things and realize that maybe it’s you. It may simply be that your perspective needs changing. Nothing reinforces this theory like the smile or laugh from an 8-month-old child.  That smile or laugh can quickly negate the air raid siren pitch of the “I’m hungry” cry, and make things right in the world again. Whether you’re a new parent or not, you probably have those moments, too. It’s easy to take what’s right with this world and find the reasons that something drives you nuts. How about the phrase “first world problem?” Anything that would fall under that category is probably a good start. These are all great things to gain perspective on before the upcoming holiday. Before we throw the tent in the car and go on an urban camping trip for the latest and greatest technology, maybe we ought to stop and appreciate the people that we’re buying it for. Call me crazy. Call me un-American. I prefer celebrating my holidays in the order they appear on the calendar. So here’s my public service announcement: How To Celebrate Thanksgiving Step 1) Eat Turkey (required) Step 2) Watch Parade (optional) Step 3) Watch Football (required in our house) Step 4) Then go shopping on the next day (Strongly discouraged by me. That discouragement is however ignored by the female members of my family.) I want to use this upcoming holiday to express my thankfulness for my wife who’s already a great mom, and my 8-month-old son celebrating his first Thanksgiving. I don’t believe it should take a day on the calendar to slow down and appreciate who and what is around you. But since it’s there, I will acknowledge it before I begin the process of holiday shopping. I also prefer my...