The definition of romance changes remarkably with parenthood. At no time is this more evident than in mid-February, when the card companies insist we express our love in traditionally romantic ways.

This type of romance is important and necessary for any functioning relationship, but can easily take a back seat when there are little people running about.

Meg and I spent the Valentine’s Day weekend trading a cold that Jamie brought home from daycare, so we didn’t get a chance to really celebrate. It won’t be our last low-key Valentine’s Day, I am sure. Current circumstances and a recent listen to the Flight of the Conchords’ gem Business Time got me thinking about all the totally unromantic things parents say to each other, that sound like a way to your heart in the right circumstance.

On a side note, if you’ve never heard Business Time, you should give it a listen. They nail the idea of turning the functional into the romantic in a really funny way—something any parent can identify with.

People without kids don’t think twice about functional phrases such as “the kitchen is clean” or “I brought take out.” That kind of phrase might elicit a “Thank you.” For a parent, there is some unmistakable romance to it. It’s not chocolate or flowers, but with the right timing, “I’ll drop our kid off in the morning” might rank up there with “I love you.”

If the card companies found a way to better incorporate this kind of functional message, sales would spike. How do I know this? The humorous cards are typically met with an eye roll. Functional invokes an amazing amount of gratitude amongst parents. I’ll bet cards using the coupon theme do amazingly well with parents. You’ve probably seen the card:

“This coupon is good for one free _______________ (fill in the blank.)”

People who have a dinner to cook, kitchen to clean, screaming toddler to feed, bath to give, lunches to make, garbage to take out, and toys to pick up on a daily basis must be the target market for this one. I could have used it recently, but I was a little late on my card shopping (a shocking development).

On Valentine’s Day morning I found myself among the hoard of men sifting through the card aisle searching for a card for my wife. I would love to tell you that my last minute shopping was due to circumstances surrounding the sickness of my child, but I’ve been in this particular situation more years than I care to remember. I can’t blame this one on Jamie.

All the truly funny cards were already long gone, if they were ever there to begin with. This dilemma becomes problematic for most guys, because in the absence of humor, we might have to tell our significant other how we truly feel, and who really wants to do that? So we settle for a joke that’s not all that funny, and pawn it off on a corny sense of humor.

Had I found a coupon card I may have bought it for Meg. The dads shopping earlier than I did probably bought that card out. So instead Meg gets a “funny” card and roses. I get an eye roll and a thank you.