This whole being a dad thing is still pretty new to me. It had been years since I held a baby, and then the nurse handed me my own. Jamie’s still just eight months old, but it’s amazing how reality, and what I pictured fatherhood to be like, are two vastly different things.

Here are just a few of the surprises I did not expect:

• How a child that can’t yet crawl magically appears in different places. I often compare my son in conversation with the extremely mobile clown in a recent Fed Ex commercial. The clown just magically appears in different locations of the home, and no one quite sees how it gets there. Jamie bears no physical resemblance to the clown. I just have no idea how he gets from one end of a room to another in the blink of an eye.
• How someone so small can make a noise so large. Seriously, you wouldn’t expect it. The cry is instinctual. It’s meant to tell the neighbors down the street that the baby is hungry. The smile is learned.
• How quickly a laugh or smile can turn your day around. You may be having the world’s worst workday. You may be wanting to bang your head against the wall listening to the aforementioned loud cry. But when he smiles or laughs, it will turn your world, and everything you thought you knew about it, back around. Every time.
• How a simple trip to the store can make you feel like you’re moving. OK, so you need to go the store. The groceries can’t wait. What if he poops? You need diapers. What if he’s hungry? You need a bottle. Depending on where you’re headed, you may need the stroller. There’s no such thing as traveling lightly anymore. Every time you leave the house the car is filled.
• How doing the dishes can double. Even a simple chore like doing the dishes becomes far more complicated. The baby’s stuff needs its own brush, and it’s own drying rack. There’s a lot to consider.
• How you’re not going to break him. I’ll admit, the nurse handed him to me, and I had the clumsy “What do I do now?” approach. I probably looked like the stereotypical dad taking his son for the first time. I held him with my hands, at a distance. But they’re heartier than you think. You won’t accidently hurt them. It doesn’t take that long to figure it out.
• How quickly your conversations become about poop, spit up, and other bodily functions. Your non-parental friends will begin to look at you funny, and you almost assuredly won’t know when or how to shut this off.
• How you’ll also likely talk in the toddler tone of voice during an adult conversation. It’s bound to happen at some point. Someone is going to look at you funny. But the things you do to score a cheap laugh with your son may become a part of who you are and how you relate. It’ll become automatic, and it’ll come out at some point like a date, or a business meeting, or out for a beer with the guys.