“Don’t drink the bathwater.”
“Get your fork out of your hair.”
“Don’t lick the bottom of your shoe.”
This is just a recent, small smattering of the “things I never thought I’d have to say” variety. Then you become a parent and words that were never meant to be joined into a sentence come pouring out of your mouth. You realize “toddler logic” is a whopper of an oxymoron.
I’ve documented all the screams and cries that come with infanthood, and how I never thought they would be immediately followed with a bout of logic. It bears repeating because I’ve never been more right.
Any force continuously moving at 200 mph with no rhyme or reason needs to be respected, and that is everything that is both beautiful and frightening about parenthood wrapped into one chaotic nutshell.
This nonstop speed goes for both his legs and his mouth. He’ll bounce off the walls, while the whole time not stop talking. Some of it leaves you scratching your head, and some of it starts to make sense.
Jamie is now in the human tape recorder stage, a scary thing in its own right, because “stop swearing” is something that’s been on his parents’ checklist for just over 23 months now. We’ve just never 100 percent gotten around to it. Luckily he hasn’t picked up a swear word yet, but I am sure it’s coming.
What he has picked up is some of the things we were unaware we were doing in the first place. For instance, out of nowhere he will yell at the cat “Marlowe no!” as he chases her around. (It is a phrase his mother and I both deny saying, but he picked it up from somewhere.) He’ll chase her around saying this, and when he can’t find her ask “Where’s Marlowe?”
All I can do is shrug my shoulders.
“I don’t know kid, she’s freaking smart.”
As if the constant moving at 200 mph and tormenting the cat weren’t enough, at the same time he is a ball of emotion. If he asks for Frozen and you say no, be ready to see a lip so large he could trip over it. Be ready for “Please? Please? Please?” Because Elsa is all he will be able to think about. While there may not be much in the way of logic, there is an agenda, and the Ice Queen of Arendelle is at the top of the list.
In the absence of logic, I am not sure where we are headed. The only thing I know is we are headed there fast.
Facebook
Twitter
I never thought I’d have to utter the phrase “Stop licking your brother” but it was a staple for a while in our house.
Oh, do I know what you mean when you talk about swearing. I’m a champion, and my wife keeps reminding me that they are getting closer and closer to repeating it. The other day I was watching something on television while the boys were eating and said something about “This sh*t” and sure enough, Carter repeated it. Time to wash dads mouth out with soap, i guess…lol.